It happened out of nowhere, the overwhelming feeling of being punched in the chest. Knocked the wind right out of me. And then the tears came.
I had a yoga meltdown.
I had been wandering around Facebook, minding my own business when BAM! I got hit out of nowhere.
Just seeing the picture of the happy couple doing trusting supported yoga together with their ending pose being in a beautiful kiss tore me apart and crumbled the finely placed veil of paper-thin sanity. The dam had been broken.
I knew instantaneously that I shouldn't let it bother me. I should detach from the comparison driven monster that was Facebook and go outside and play. But I couldn't. It stuck a chord deep in the heart of me and I couldn't shake it.
Our beliefs and perceptions about relationships are an odd thing.
In a contract based name exchange it seems to say somewhere in the fine print that if you and this other person you share space with don't match up with the things you want to do, you're hooped. The idea is if you don't match up, you don't get to experience it.
So what, you live a lifetime of wanting and not doing because of mismatched beings?
Or do you get boyfriends or substitutes? Is there somewhere you can rent out people for the afternoon to do things with because you're with someone you have little interests in common with?
Do you die somewhere in the darkness into the unknown place of never having tried it because you are borrowing someone else's name?
Where is the line when it comes to what you desire and who you stand beside? When does everything fluffy turn to disappointment and let down because of all the rules and perceptions? When do you say there isn't any matching up here and it's time to wander down the path? When do you admit that your desires are trying to tell you something and that there is a deep truth here you should be listening to?
It wasn't just about the yoga and I knew it.
It was a thousand different things that had been building.
It was the closeness that I knew was lacking like a big gaping hole, the lack of syncing up and similarity. It was pushing against the paradigms and rules that we cut our teeth on that pertain to how relationships are supposed to be.
But there was a truth made visible in that acrobatic and deeply trusting pose that made my heart yearn for an open connection of that degree.
Trust. Allowing. Support. Surrender. Authenticity. Presence. Connection. Consciousness. Sacred love.
Not new age buzzwords but a map to the divine.
There is truth in breaking down and shattering. Sometimes you can find yourself in a place of surrendering deep to the shadow of a feeling, and it ushers in a heart to heart with yourself on your desires. Sometimes it's in the littlest of motions that we find the deepest opening.
Sometimes it's not in the pose we find the answers but on the way back down to the mat.