My attention seems shot today, completely scattered to the four winds.
I find myself drifting in and out of some sort of vision-like funk, the threads reaching out like a channel somewhere I’m uncertain of. None of what I had planned to do is materializing. Everything that once graced my to-do list is lost somewhere among the ether.
I find myself wandering around the studio absentmindedly grabbing items and placing them on my tarot table and just staring at them. The word “conscious” wouldn’t leave my head as I built this mysterious altar while my brain stayed floating in dream-land. It had been in my head all day, haunting me with a vision-like clarity.
The very flavor of it ran along every one of my nerves like a silver thread.
The first item I placed absently upon the table was the dark forest colored beeswax candle, which I am very aware is made of the last of my favorite green sheet wax. Somewhere in the back of my head I make the mental note to order more or pick some up the next time I am in the city.
The green called to an Earthy energy that sang sweet melodies to my spirit.
I then added my favorite antler shed found many moons ago, a touchstone into something deeply symbolic that has always resonated with my soul. Far be it from me to actually kill an animal, it was a special treasure that was gifted to me from Gaia.
Finding that treasure on the forest floor was like weaving your fingers through some ancient magic that had yet to explain itself but was on the tip of your tongue. And yet my bones knew it like a familiar skin.
And last but of course not least, the statue of Shiva called to be placed on this budding sacred space. The conscious male energy, the Lord of the Dance and the one who listens like the open sky.
The present masculine; the conscious male.
Shiva represents in us a deep, open presence of complete awareness and consciousness.
It is the embodiment of being here, right now, in this moment. Where the feminine force of Shakti is like a powerful continuous flow, the Shiva energy acts like a riverbank to that river. Together they make up this cosmic dance of awakened and present consciousness, this balancing act of harmonious manifestation.
This is present in all beings in differing degrees, not only in men but in women as well, just as the feminine flows within each of us. These energies are within all.
We did a practice at a retreat I attended last year where you paired off and one person embodied the raw feminine form in full expression of anger and rage, a fierce Kali energy. The other was the male, the Shiva, arms open to receive and be present to all this wild Shakti flow. Conscious but unafraid and unmoving.
This practice tested the Shakti ability to truly embody the energy she was feeling and express it and the Shiva to receive fully this power without shying away. I recall how good I was at embodying the receiving energy, being present in the Shiva form. My Kali needed some work admittedly, and in the time since has flexed her muscles a lot more when it comes to her roar.
I drift to the way we hide from embodiment in our lives, from what is here and what is staring us in the eyes, how we shy away from the fierce that needs to be said especially when there is one that is unconscious to receive it.
How do we balance the roar and the presence within ourselves?
I think to this year in particular in it’s cosmic lineup determined to strip away every last veil and leave truth in it’s place, no matter how hurtful.
The Universe seemed bent on creating it’s own shift in the direction of Shiva consciousness; no matter how painful it may be needing to stare it right in the face and be here with it and let out our own Kali roar. The craving is cosmos deep to balance these forces, within our own Earthy bodies and within our sacred spirits so our lives flow instead of being blocked.
I wonder why I am consumed by this today of all days. It could be a lack of sleep or a lack of caffeine. It could be the looming thoughts on my mind of the effects of detachment from presence, dealing with some energy in my own life that is showing the fruit of what unconscious energy brings, rearing its head in a stress that is uninvited and unwanted.
It could be an invitation to the Sacred Masculine to raise his antlers and howl to the skies alongside me, the one my bones call to like a familiar skin. The one that had yet to explain itself but was already on the tip of my tongue.
I wonder if my own Shiva presence needs to crumble and make way for Shakti flow? Maybe Kali needs to be let out more to stretch her legs and test the banks?
Maybe she needs to stomp her feet and let roar her truth? Maybe that’s the lesson of this distraction, this shattering of my usual concentration?
Maybe I am crave the openness of Shiva and his conscious energy to receive this Kali fierce energy like the arms of the cosmos themselves, without judgement or hiding but simply with presence?
Maybe my Kali fire wants to dance raw and unbridled in that sacred Shiva space?
All that is rising I am determined to be conscious with presently in my embodiment no matter how uncomfortable it is, and when the time is right roar like Kali when the need arise. What else can a Goddess do but surrender to what is here, and swim through these waters?
Meanwhile, the candle still glows illuminating the antlers in front of me and I wonder silently if Shiva would lend me some presence for the day. I swear I see him smirk and continue his cosmic dance with wild Kali.
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