As humans, we deal with things not working out all the time.
In our everyday lives, we see things that we want not come to fruition, take different turns or simply just don’t happen. While this does make life an interesting journey, which is of course what we’re here for, it can be extremely frustrating to put effort and energy into something over and over only to have it not pan out.
This is especially true in our relationships with others. We can get caught in a cycle of continual effort that results in the same way. This can mean that despite our best efforts, things don’t grow in a manner in which we desire.
This isn’t to paint others as evil for not giving us what we want. Everyone has reasons for why they do or don’t do things. Whether it is their own trauma, disillusion, fears or insecurities, it doesn’t always mean they are doing it on purpose, though some are. However, that does not give them carte blanche to lead you on. If they have no intention, there should be no mention. Truth should be at the forefront of any relationship. Period.
So what do we do? How do we deal with unmanifested desires in relationships?
The Proof is in the Pudding
Look at the proof. Are promises fulfilled? Do plans get made and followed through? Does anything move beyond words? Is there independant action taken? Who is the one putting in effort or making things a priority? Generally speaking, action is required to move things forward. Even if we are in the process of allowing things to take a natural course and develop organically, there still needs to be focused action to facilitate desires manifestation.
The bottom line is people make a priority what is most important. And if this isn’t the case in relationships, this can mean things get stagnant, disconnected and don’t grow.
People go after what they want
This one can be hard to digest. People don’t try beyond what they actually want. And if their desires are fulfilled, they won’t go past that. If they are fulfilled, why would they ever change? If someone wants something, they go after it. This isn’t to say they are necessarily using you, but their desired intention is met so there is no need for further effort.
The inclination in these scenarios can be to try and nitpick what it is someone else is getting out of the connection and try to withhold it in order to see some sort of change. Some people hold back communication or intimacy in an effort to force the other person’s hand to change. In my opinion, this isn’t worth the time. Playing games isn’t going to get you what you want and forcing someone’s hand in order to give you what you authentically desire is just manipulation. Better to walk away instead of playing games.
Bottom line is you deserve to be more than a footnote in someone’s life.
Start a dialogue
Talk about it with them. Bring up exactly how you are feeling and how this is affecting you. Sometimes people are unaware of the depth in which their actions, or lack thereof, affect us. This can be a good opportunity to open up and to get to the bottom of things. Speak your truth, explain your feelings and try to limit the blame. Talking about it can also be a good indicator of where the other person stands on everything. If your truth is met with deflection, denial, or anger, this can mean you may have touched on some wounding that they need to heal. We can’t heal the wounds of thers. Our relationships are a mirror and often these sore spots rise in our interactions with those we connect with. If there are fears or insecurities, these need to be healed by the other person. This may mean needing to step away and letting them heal.
When you’ve tried everything and it’s still not working, it’s time to put focus elsewhere.
This can mean moving on or taking a break to think. It can be time to focus your energetic resources elsewhere. It’s not easy, but it is needed to get your head out of the constant loop that these situations can create. It’s not healthy to be trapped inside a neverending situation with no resolution or evolution. So, take some time and focus on something that does bring joy.
In the end, the cycle is ours to break. We choose where we put our most valuable resources, our time, energy and effort. Choose wisely.